give me a reason.

I'm sorry... since almost akin to a preprogrammed thought pattern, you're still the first thought when I wake up and you're still the last thought on my mind before I sleep; and sometimes even during sleep itself, you're there along with the shimmer in your eyes, like small oceans with the sun caught drowning in its waves.

You're...you're... you know, these are not really easy things to say over the phone, in text messages or more, in e-mails, even in these posts that I know you never read or when we get the chance to converse again in a promised next time that we see eye to eye again. We'd prefer to let silence wash over us during those moments and that silence only to hold us nearer; when the moment passes then I can try again.

This is what you are to me, and I guess this is just the way that I am, the way that I made myself, unconsciously around you. I thought there was a choice, between ignoring it and just letting it be. There wasn't.

Let it be, let it be then, please just let it be.

a mixtape for our silence.

These past weeks I silently played songs in my mind along with my media player, and lip-synched their lyrics. They sometimes slowly carried me to short uneasy naps, or accompanied me in the short lonely bus rides to work, or played like musical scores on my long way back to the apartment in the morning and they gently ripped me apart during mid-afternoons when sleep was never there and I could only miss you.

And so I sang them in my mind and thought of you and us, and some were more than familiar enough that the words weren't memories at all, and with some I stumbled along and learned. As I sang along, I knew some of those songs would entirely speak our thoughts for us if we were listening to them; the words becoming our own, an adlib for our chronicles, filling in the silence.

In our, perhaps, self-imposed silence, it would be so good to hear those songs together, and listen to the words as they come and as they retell our thoughts about each other, and to just bridge the gap of the long prolonged hush that had come over us the past weeks. Please let me hold your hand then, make that instance of touch be our calm assurance that reality is never harsh as we want it to be, as we go over the verses and the choruses of those songs we have heard over the absent years and the new ones that we heard together. To hear those songs together and fill our ourselves with ourselves again.

And I know, even if we don't get to hold hands because of distance or of circumstance, our minds will always find a way to embrace as before and like before; and as linked as before with how we feel, like twins of some sort, of some other weirdness or with our beloved idiosyncrasy when we are together. So that I can get to wish that we can listen to these songs together in some other way and listen to these songs silence this silence away. Then we can just miss each other in a good way, without the need for our own words for reassurance, just our presence and these songs.

some story.

As the phrase "love you forever" was tumbling and going through my mind, I remembered reading a story somewhere and somewhen telling that there is an absolute cure for love. I had forgotten who wrote the story and what the title was, I can only recall that it was in a compilation of short stories; a small blue paperback crammed full of last century's musings about the future. In that story it tells that the cure for love is time, or specifically Immortality.

I guess the premise of that story would deromanticize the vampires of Anne Rice, if not, all of the romantic immortal vampires of fiction and yes, there goes Edward Cullen too. When time stops to affect you physically, it would always be a major paradigm shift, and I am thinking now that emotions or feelings would always find itself rooted in previous memories and the connection of a certain memory to another; and memory being temporal, where do you root your emotions when you have lost sense of time? when time doesn't affect you anymore? Eternal life, as I stop to think about it is certainly overrated.

Because for what purpose or reason are emotions when the persons that you devote them in would always pass, depart and die. Hate is far from the being the opposite of love, Indifference rather is the nearest as it does not even acknowledge that emotion, and perhaps even negates it. I guess through time Indifference would always win and B. Corgan would only sing it more simply, "the more you change, the less you feel".

And if the story was ever true, even in some context, the phrase that had been tumbling in my mind "love you forever" would be a contradiction of sorts, since forever would only intimate immortality and by the definition of forever the phrase would defeat its purpose. But as it goes it is only a story, a science fiction from the early 1900s and it, among many other contradictions in my life, wouldn't really change how I feel, when I think and say that "I love you forever". That story can only make that phrase truer for me.

currently playing E:\Internal

311 - Love Song
Ace of Base - All That She Wants
Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own
Arkarna - Block Capital
Ash - Girl From Mars
Ash - Oh Yeah
Backdraft - Sad Mad Ballad
Ben Folds Five - Battle of Who Could Care Less
Betrayed - Without You
Better than Ezra - Desperately Wanting
Big Head Todd And The Monsters - Tangerine
Bloc Party - Banquet
Blur - You´re so Great
Bush - Swallowed
Chain Gang - Tuesday Of My Being Sick
Chicosci - Paris
Coldplay - Shiver
Colin Hay - Overkill
Collective Soul - Burning Bridges
Collective Soul - She Gathers Rain
Color it Red - I Need You Here
Counting Crows - Anna Begins
Counting Crows - Goodnight Elisabeth
Daft Punk - Something About Us
Dave Matthews Band - #34
Dave Matthews Band - Say Goodbye
Deftones - No Ordinary Love
Dishwalla - Every Little Thing
Eric Clapton - Signe
Filter - Take a Picture
Foo Fighters - Best Of You
Fra Lippo Lippi - Shouldn't Have To Be Like That
Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
Garbage - When I Grow Up
Gary Jules - Mad World
Goldfinger - This Lonely Place
Gwyneth Paltrow - Bette Davis Eyes
H-Blockx - How Do You Feel
Hugh Wilson - Falling Away(Sprite Commercial)
Imago - Akap
Incubus - I Miss You
Incubus - Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love)
Indio I - Di Mo Lang Alam
Jack Johnson - No Other Way
Jack Johnson - Staple It Together
James - Say Something
Jars of Clay - Five Candles
Jet Black Joe - Rain
Jimi Hendrix - Fire
Joe Satriani - Cryin'
John Legend - Save Room
John Mayer - Dreaming With A Broken Heart
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
Kapatid - Luha
K's Choice - Not an Addict
Lenny Kravitz - It aint Over Till It's Over
Live - All Over You
Madonna - This Used To Be My Playground
Matchbox 20 - If You're Gone
Maxwell - Eachhoureachsecondeachminuteeachday Of My Life
Michael Franks - Mr. Blue
Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I Get
Moonpools & Caterpillars - Ren
Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get
Mr. Big - Promise Her The Moon
Mutiny - Ibaon Mo Sa Limot
Nirvana - Dumb
Noel Cabangon - Nag-iisa, Wala Ka Na
Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger
Oasis - Slide Away
Pearl Jam - State of Love and Trust
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Popsicle - Histrionics
Radiohead - Thinking About You
Rivermaya - Hate
Rizal Underground - Come Around Again
Sheila and the Insects - Unholy Days
Sheryl Crow - D'yer Mak'er
Silverchair - Miss You Love
Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise
Smoking Popes - Need You Around
Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
Stone Temple Pilots - Big Empty
Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
Sugar Hiccup - Womb
Sugarfree - Unang Araw
Switchfoot - Meant To Live
The Beatles - Something
The Black Crowes - Hard to Handle
The Cardigans - I Need Some Fine Wine And You You Need To Be Nicer
The Cure - Just Like Heaven
The Dambuilders - Shrine
The Dawn - Tulad ng Dati
The Jerks - Malayo na ang Puso
The Lemonheads - It's a Shame about Ray
The Offspring - Gone Away
The Teeth - Me
The Wallflowers - Closer To You
The Wuds - Takipsilim
The Youth - Nobody Loves Me
Toad The Wet Sprocket - All I Want
Tom Waits - Hang Down Your Head
Tom Waits - San Diego Serenade
True Faith - Everything She Wore
Veruca Salt - One Last Time
Weezer - No Other One
Wreckless Eric - Whole Wide World

tuesday of my being this.

I lay down again on top of the bunk bed, and watched the light filter in through the blue curtain of our room. I was waiting for the light to fade, for the windows to turn dark again, waiting for the late afternoon to die and shrivel into evening. There was still some time yet, and blue yet was the light coming in and I lay there watching and knew that my mind was not there with me. The occasional breeze coming in and out as it alternately lifted the curtain and pressed it again on the window made it appear like it was breathing even if rather irregularly, as if in gasps, stealing breaths when it can; like some morbid mockery of suffocation.

It is the time of the sun again and her rage is here, becoming a constant inescapable truth every midmorning when I would just be able to sleep. I wish for rain, even with all the accompanying memories that it carries with it, even if it will remind also like a constant inescapable truth but always better the coldness than the heat. Not that the rain would also help with my sleep, it will also allow me a broader view of my mind. The past days I sleep no longer than three hours before I find myself staring, and wide awake, remembering dreams before they pale away to my first thoughts being born upon waking. I am not even surprised of the central theme that these thoughts have, they are always the same. They are the same as the last thought I have before I slip away into uneasy sleep. My sleep pattern is approximating the way I slept some years ago.

The blue has just become pronounced and there are fringes of darkness already encroaching outside the window. I silently go down the bunk bed and turn off the fan, silently wondering again if being busy would be some sort of escape, an unconventional therapy, a vent for the excesses of the mind but I know that once I get there, I would start wondering again if it would have been better to stay here in the apartment and just alternately write and space out, then look out of the front door, craving for rain.

he never saw Molly again.

and you reached in deep again, from all those years, and dragged me back from under the water and watched me as I lay gasping, breathing in air again, and it was being born again.
naked and shivering, I crawled towards you and you cradled me like before and we sat there; quiet and watching the horizon change as we held hands waiting and watching eternity crash along the shore.
our wings moved and they felt a wind rising; iridescent and blinding in the light of the sun, now on its way to a seeming death in the ocean and we flew looking at each other in some sort of surreal vision, only the reassurance of touch making it a reality.
our souls having been forsaken for some time are finding each other again, finding a measure of being in one piece and the stars slowly came out to watch our dance.

for a time, for some time. there was only us and nothing else.

a strategic nuke just went off in my mind and i'm finding it hard to smile.

or even show an iota of any emotion in the proper way that it should be displayed and there's just this sudden need to just go somewhere quiet and gradually fade from there; to just walk for hours and lose myself in the sound of my footsteps and my breathing. To space out without any idea of time passing, without any thought of living and without the very idea of a center.

This is for taking away gravity and bringing it back once I reached cloud height. It wasn't the long slow fall that I imagined, when it happened, it was a straight downward plunge, no slow motion, or graceful descent. Full and deep impact. Just after tonight easy and comfortable sleep would be elusive once again, and fuck if I'd care to look for it, to care for another futile act in my history of desperate futile attempts; all attempts made with full proper knowledge beforehand.

The resulting radiation is caving in my chest at the moment and I'm finding it hard to breath, I thought I had been here before but I was wrong again. This is something entirely fresh and an entirely new world of pain, when my last thought was your laughter and little story about your hair before ground zero disappeared, before I was swallowed up by the passionate force and heat of perhaps a thousand suns in the space of a few seconds.

At this time, I don't even have enough push to wonder what is left, there's just a vague feeling of breathing and being there. When vision returns for a moment, reality fucks me up as I find you superimposed in everything, then I drift away again and so very little remains. Even if this is me, this is you; and this is us most of all. What very little remains belong to the wind and at the mercy of the radioactive wind. I had wanted to die in your arms, looking at your eyes and you. There is just no one here beneath this mushroom cloud.

If I cannot think and feel, am I still...